You may have been too busy noticing Lara’s ass to think about what her feet would look like after all that barefooted running around. Let me help you with that.
So I finally rented the latest Tomb Raider and played it through.
Ok, so here’s the deal with Lara. You know I love her character. I love her history. And I love the fact that Megan Fox is being tossed around as a potential candidate to play her in the next Tomb Raider movie. Lara is a great, strong, beautiful, marketable woman.
The games she’s in, however, piss me off. I had high hopes that because Crystal Dynamics was involved again, Underworld would kick ass.
As far as graphics go, good job guys. The underwater settings were pretty fantastic and little details like Lara’s new brow wrinkles added some nice character expressions. The soundtrack was good as well, although, it did put me to sleep a couple of times when I was trying to figure out how to get out of one of many buggy-ass puzzles.
ON THE OTHER HAND….
Jesus H. Mothereffing Christ, guys! Can you PLEASE fix the HORRIBLE CONTROLS we have ALL been SCREAMING ABOUT FOR FOREVER?!?!?! This game probably took me 10 hours longer than it should have to complete because I’d tell Lara to jump in the direction of a ledge only to watch her crash to her death. And because the auto-save feature was a joke, the game would often reload in a place that didn’t make any sense and it’d take twice as long to get back to where I crashed… only to crash again.
YOU’RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
So I’m cool with suspending disbelief in video games… but I have a really hard time with the fact that one of Lara’s clothing options before you explore the Arctic sea is a teeny bathing suit. And she swims through the icy waters just fine. Not only that, but as soon as she gets out on land, she kicks pots to search for treasures:
Not only would that probably shatter your frozen foot (if you hadn’t died from hypothermia first), WHAT THE FUCK IS LARA DOING SMASHING PRICELESS POTTERY INTO A BILLION PIECES??!?! She’s a treasure hunter. She values ancient artifacts… and yet she’s kicking the ever-loving shit out of potentially priceless pottery just to see if there’s something inside???!!!!! Riiiight.
Lara into collecting pieces of history and keeping things fair. This is why I have a really hard time believing she would have no qualms about blowing the faces off of tigers – EVEN considering she’s under attack. What happened to fancy wall jumping to get out of their way?
About 1/3 of the way through my “I LOVE LARA” juices were hardly enough to keep me going through the rest of the game. There were glitches galore and hiccups that took hours to figure out. If it weren’t for the gamer points I knew I could earn for toughing it through, I never would’ve played through the entire game. NEVER.
The last level was a freaking joke. Glitch-o-rama. After an hour of things not working right, I had to restart the entire level. Which would’ve been fine if the enemies hadn’t loaded as INVISIBLE. Second restart… I WAS INVISIBLE. And the final cut scene/story didn’t make any sense. So the payoff was lame.
There’s more I could go into, but honestly, I don’t even feel like griping about it anymore. So I’ll end it here and let you know that – unless you’re just into torturing yourself with bad games – there’s no point in playing Underworld. And that makes me very, very sad.