When she's not busy blowing the heads off of enemies to get to the next level, she's usually playing video games.
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TheGameDame
So on Sunday I was doing my Target shopping and trying to decide if I wanted to pretend like I had enough money to buy Left for Dead instead of trekking across town to try to find some rental shop that actually had a copy available. I decided to check out the game aisle and see the supply situation. I scanned the selection and they were sold out. Blast. If they’d had it, I would’ve bought it. I probably wouldn’t have had enough money in my bank account to eat lunch by mid-week, but that wasn’t the point. I wanted it, and if you’re gaming, you don’t always notice the hunger pains.
As I was seeing what else was available, I heard her. One of THOSE girls. The kind that grew up with a neverending supply of cash from her Daddyton Mutual account. The kind that thinks an overdraft is some kind of German beer. Even her oversized Prada bag was not big enough to hold the vomit threatening to escape from my stomach with every word that squeaked out of her petite, Versace lip gloss-covered mouth. I didn’t hear her name, but I’d be willing to bet it ended with an “i” and that, when she signs it, she turns the dot into some kind of heart, star or smiley face.
She was there with her boyfriend… a mid to late forties man who was part of the “Dude Bra” clan. When talking to other members of the Dude Bra clan, these individuals are incapable of uttering a single statement that doesn’t start with the word “Dude” and end with the word “Braaaaaaa.” I think failure to comply gets you banned from the next five keg parties. He was screaming on his cell phone to a fellow clan member. “DUUUUUDE!!! Did you see James last night??! He was wasted, right, braaaa?!?!” Ok, “dude”… you’re pushing 50. And – despite what the clan might’ve told you – sporting a tattoo of Snoopy on a Harley does not give you permission to talk like that.
Apparently, this lovely couple was looking to buy a Wii. Little Ms. Perky made sure that DudeBra knew she wanted Bowling by saying it about five MILLION FUCKING TIMES. “Bubbie… let’s get BOOOWLING!!!!” “I just LOVE that BOWLING game.” “Make sure that one comes with BOWLING!!!” Between his grunts and her squeals, I gathered that they were buying a belated Christmas present for some kids in the family and they were giving it to them today. There were four kids in the family and they wanted to make sure everyone would be able to play.
DudeBra wanted to make sure the kids had enough games. And yes, BOWWWLING!!! was part of the selection. “Hey babe, you wan get Dancin’ with the Stars, too?”
I didn’t even know they HAD a Dancing With the Stars game. That means that people buy shit like that. Who buys shit like that??!
Oh yeah. They were standing right in front of me.
Perky went to grab a Target employee to unlock the cabinet. While they were waiting for the key keeper, Perky’s phone rang. It was Pink’s “I’m Still a Rock Star.” Perky sang along and danced for everyone between ass grabs from DudeBra. Suddenly I hated a song I’d previously enjoyed.
The Target employee showed up with the keys and asked the couple what they needed. Perky was quick to respond. “We want to get FOUR Wii Machines!!!”
Four?
Wii MACHINES??
God. These people are a boil on the ass of all that gamers stand for.
The employee tilted her head, “You need four??”
“Yeah!!!” Perky jumped. “See… we’ve got four cousins and we want them all to be able to play together!!!!”
Was she serious?
Holy fuck. Of course she was. And that was why I was stifling laughter.
The employee was trying to save her hundreds of dollars, but a big part of me wished she’d kept her mouth shut and let the idiot spend away. “Um… they live in different states or somethin?”
“No! But we think they should all play together, don’t YOOOOU??!?!”
I had to step away to keep from guffawing in Perky’s face. So I moved around the corner and listened as the employee explained that she only needed to buy extra controllers – not consoles.
“OMG!! HAHAHAH! Woooah! That’s so crazy!! I was gonna buy them all!”
On my way out, I fantasized about mugging that idiot in the parking lot. It’d probably be the most interesting thing that ever happened in her dull, pointless life and she’d have something to talk about over tapas and Sangrias with the girls. But instead, I just drove to Blockbuster and rented Tomb Raider: Underworld for my Xbox machine. They were all out of Dancing with the Stars.
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Oh shit, THOSE people. You’re beginning to sound like me. Unless… you’ve ALWAYS BEEN LIKE M– nevermind.
Left by Psycho Gorilla on January 28th, 2009