“Excuse me, I had some bad tacos for lunch.”

You really can’t go wrong with body function humor when it comes to captions like these. My favorite comes from Charles (Special Ride) who will be getting my copy of Lair in the mail this week.

Congratulations, Charles! And thanks to you all for the laughs.

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You guys are freaking hilarious. I’ll pick the winner and announce it on Monday.

To best express my feelings towards Lair, I feel I must quote my friend Sarah and say: “I will tolerate none of this douchebaggery.”

Back in July, I claimed that my PS3 purchase would make sense because of two game releases: Lair, and Heavenly Sword. And dammit, Heavenly Sword better not disappoint me or I might just toss my PS3 out the window.

So why, you may ask, do I hate this game so passionately? WHY? BECAUSE IT SUCKS ASS and it cost me $60. I can’t believe I pre-ordered this lousy piece of crap. ppppppppppsshhh. Now I don’t even want this game on my shelves. In fact, I’m going to give it away to whoever comes up with the most amusing quote for this shot from the game:

Post it in the comments section. I’ll give you until next Friday – September 14th at noon. Whoever comes up with the funniest one gets it. I’ll contact you for your mailing address. I mean it. I’ve got to get SOME entertainment out of this $60 purchase.

You know, when I saw the previews for the game, I got totally pumped about the graphics. It’s too bad you can’t enjoy any of them. Nope, you’re too busy trying to get the suck-AXIS controller to respond to the movements you’re making to enjoy the view. You want to fly to the right? The screen shows an animation of the controller gently swaying to the right as a “how to” example. BULL SHIZZLE! In reality, you have to angle your entire body over the side of the couch before it will react 80% of the time. And a 20% response rate is NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YO!

Even if you can control your dragon instead of spinning all over the effing place, you fly at about 900 MPH. So it doesn’t really make any difference. Then there’s ground combat. Yeaaah. Even that sucks. Your dragon sucks. The voiceovers suck. THIS GAME SUCKS.

I spent an hour trying to get my dragon to fly into the mouths of these rock monster things and popped 3 and a half blood vessels in my forehead from frustration. While I was trying to get back into the cave-mouth deal, there were these other dragons that you could combat. But the battles are pretty much button mashing sessions. You usually win no matter what combo you use as long as you hit the buttons quickly. NOT FUN.

Think I’m wrong? Take my copy and see for yourself. Just come up with the best quote for that pic by 09/14 and post it here. I’ll announce the winner by 09/17.

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Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved Mobile
Published by: Sony BMG / Hardcore 3d Wireless / Bizarre Creations
Platform: Mobile

Take a moment to remember a simpler time … a time before our numb thumbs could seek respite in lengthy cut scenes … a time when three lives meant THREE LIVES … a time when the “Game Over” screen actually stood for something. Those were good times. Now, developers typically focus on giving us bigger story lines, better graphics and more interactive elements with each game release. And, typically, this is what we’re looking for when we scrape together sixty bucks for a new title. But sometimes, even when we’ve got the option to play graphical masterpieces in surround sound, we really just want to shoot something in space without a lot of hassle. And if you’ve been searching for a good one, search no more. Now you can play Geometry Wars – Retro Evolved, a highly addictive shooter for your mobile phone.

Geometry Wars first appeared as a mini-game that could be played from the Project Gotham Racing 2 in-game garage. Then came Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved – an upgraded version of the fave that quickly became one of the most popular downloads on Xbox Live Arcade in 2006. Now, Blizzard Entertainment is giving mobile phone junkies something else to fawn over: Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved Mobile. Hooray for mobile crack!

When I first heard everyone raving about this game, I was skeptical. I mean, how fun could a game named Geometry Wars be? Do you have to do math? Do you get to frag that monotone Geometry teacher that gave you an F in high school? No, there is none of that. The premise is simple, really. You have a spaceship. Enemies are coming at you in a never ending stream. You shoot them to survive and if they shoot or smash into you, you die. As you progress through levels, the enemies come at you even faster and survival gets more difficult. Your enemies are all geometric shapes (circles, squares and diamonds) and you’ll be able to battle them using various weapons throughout the game.

All the enemies and gameplay from the original title are featured in the mobile version, but you also get new features including numerous Challenge Modes. All in all, this game translates well to the mobile phone and a great distraction on the go. Check it out.

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HEY YOU! Step off of that ledge and come inside. And YOU! Yeah, you in the bathtub! Put that toaster down! It’s time to dry those tears, darlings. The good game drought is officially over. Bioshock is on the shelves, and if you don’t go buy it right now, I will cut you.

Those track marks are gonna be really hard to explain.Yesterday, I finally picked up a copy of this highly anticipated title. I’ve only gotten to play for a couple of hours so far, but dude. It is AWESOME.

This is the first game I’ve played that I’ve loved right from the beginning. You can do a ton of stuff, but the controls aren’t confusing. The voiceover work is incredible – I keep hiding around corners so I can hear people talking. And for once, I WANT to spend forever exploring every single nook and cranny in the game so I can find hidden stuff (and not just to unlock achievements). This is a big claim to make, but Resident Evil 4 may have a little competition for the #1 spot in my heart because Bioshock totally rules.

Available on PC and the Xbox 360, Bioshock starts out with a bang. Literally. Your plane crashes into the water and you’re drowning. The graphics are so real, and after watching the first scene for a minute I realized I was actually holding my breath. As I was sitting there admiring the best water graphics I think I’ve ever seen, I wondered why the cut scene had stopped and nothing was happening. And then I realized, “Holy crap. Now it’s my turn to interact with this environment. The graphics aren’t only great in cut scenes. They’re just great.”

I haven’t played enough of this game to write a full review, but I had to give it props post haste. So far, this game seems flawless and I can’t wait to get back to it.

Visit the Official Bioshock Site»

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HA! Ok, this is about a month old, but I just watched it for the first time today and had to share. This is a Wii Fit commercial that SarcasticGamer.com overdubbed with a new script. HEElarious:

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A game that lets you drive recklessly through SF without worrying about cops? Good times. Check out my review of Crazy Taxi: Fare Wars for the PSP on GameSpy.com. Read it now>>

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